The Question-Master (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Chinglish)

Somehow or another I was conscripted into judging one of the school's English "competitions," meaning I got to ride a city bus out to Chashan, listen to 16 kids speak, grade them, and then leave.

Or so I thought...

It turns out that the bubbly, giggly girl who prodded me into agreeing to this was not exactly completely forthcoming about all of the details. Upon arriving, I learned that the format would be as follows:
1. Prepared Speech - 3 min
2. Impromptu Speech - 2 min
3. Question and Answer Session - 1 min

Upon being introduced to the audience, I was abruptly made aware that I had been deemed the "Question Master," and was thus expected to ask all of the questions to the speakers regarding their topics, either prepared or impromptu.

Let me be clear about this... these were first/second-year students, often non-English majors, who spoke in Chinglish so thick as to occasionally lose me completely. I was thrown into a position of speaking into a microphone, asking a question that I essentially had to pull from the top of my head. When people get nervous - and believe me, I was - what happens to their speaking-patterns? Why they speed up exponentially, of course! With an ESL student, they cannot understand you unless... that's right... you slow...the...hell...down. This translated to more often than not the student staring blankly at me after I had asked my hastily thought up question, and asking me to repeat. Them not understanding me only increased my anxiety, and... well, you can imagine the vicious cycle...

Fortunately Xiaohong was also a judge, and she bailed me out by offering to trade off asking questions. Later I asked how I - 1st time teacher, and 1st time judge - had pulled the "Question Master" title, to which she shrugged and said I was a native speaker. Sigh. The irony is that me being a native speaker actually makes it harder for them to understand me, since they can much more easily listen to Chinese-English vocal patterns.

The prepared speeches were, all in all, boring as hell. Apparently the topic du jour was "being a new student at WZMC," and so it was chock full of half-baked English about how great campus life was and how everyone must work hard to succeed... and, of course, each speech was literally basted in innane quotes and tired cliches... who teaches these kids these sad, sad phrases? It's painful to listen to! Someone actually tells them at some point that these "canned phrases" are really, really great to use... and to that person I say "STOP LYING TO CHINESE KIDS!!!"

The impromptu phase was marginally more interesting. Occasionally their student's topic forced them to make a real argument, or take a position...but far too often the so-called "topic" was little more than 3 words strung together, as if that was a meaningful question. Some of the choice examples are: "Trust and Love," "Life and Death," and "Knowledge and Practice." In such cases,the student would basically stretch the answer of "both are important" to 1:30-2:00 by throwing in some weird story, lamely attempting to relate it to their original topic, or simply spouting more cliches and quotes to fill the time.

Finally, 16 arduous and interminable speech sessions later, I was once again called upon to give an impromptu "comment session" on the speeches as a whole. I fumbled around for a minute or two before running out of things to say except "uh" and "ah." Once again, Xiaohong bailed me out by offering her own assassment in Chinese. Whew. After that, it was the award ceremony, which - once again - I was surprised to learn that I was to be a presenter... photos were taken, books (the prizes) were handed out. I really, really, really wanted to leave.

First prize? An English dictionary... man, talk about a lame first prize! How about, like, a Harry Potter book at least?! About 1/2 of the participants wanted me to sign their book... like I was some star or something. Obligingly - and rather embarrassed - I agreed... they seemed to really like my signature, which admittedly I have crafted to be flashy and noticable... So I was at least glad that it worked. Finally, we judges were give a small red envelope which turned out to contain 200RMB. I didn't realize this was a paid position, so that was a nice bonus.

Really I just wish I'd been informed...about anything... prior to me actually sitting down in the chair...

Xiaohong finally made our way out, and caught a tricycle/taxi back to Xialupu... about 1/2 way back, though, there was a group of poeple and cars stopped in the street. A woman had been hit by a car. This was a busy, highspeed road at night with no crosswalks or overhead lights. Objectively, she deserved what she got... it's idiotic to be crossing a street like that: it's dangerous enough crossing on a well lit crosswalk with the light favoring you at midday! But her limp, unmoving body, and the spattering of blood on the pavement as our taxi eased its way through the crowd and right by the scene of the accident easily overrode that assessment. I don't know her fate, but I sincerely hope she survived. She looked dead... she certainly wasn't moving. Two men picked her limp form up and carried her out of the middle of the road as we passed. It's an image, I think, that I'll have in my head for a long, long time - a powerful reminder of just how dangerous life can be, and how fragile we really are.

I do hope she lived.
(CS)WC Out.

With my freeze ray I will stop - the pain.