Deeply Disappointed

I'd been planning on spending the holidays with Nancy. I bought a little christmas tree to put presents under, had new years plans, and we'd also been planning to travel together on the month-long holiday from school I get in January. Add to that her birthday in the middle of January, and mine toward the end. It was set to be a busy, very enjoyable month.

Now it looks very much like the Hindenburg, post-ill-advised cigarette break.

Last night, Nancy was called home by her brother, because her uncle needed to talk to her. She was told, apparently, that his company had shipped some products to the USA, and now the buyer was unwilling to pay due to some quality issue (go figure, right?). The issue needed to be resolved immediately and, since this uncle doesn't speak a lick of English, has turned in desperation to one Ms. Nancy Sun to act as his traveling interpreter for the next.... oh..... month.

It's not her fault. She's pretty upset about it too. And since I realize this, I'm trying to put my "it's OK" face on, and suck it up so she doesn't feel any worse about it.

But, really, it's not OK.

A month, away, leaving me here in Wenzhou with extremely limited options for ... pretty much anything. Christmas? I'm back to "Santa" buying himself a bottle of liquor. New Years? Why bother? Travel? I may still be able to get up to Nanjing, but pretty much anything else is out of the question now. I have little, if any, desire at current to go places by myself, nevermind the extreme - nigh, impossible - difficulty of doing so without a translator. Her birthday? Kaput. Probably mine too.

Whoop de doo.

This is certainly a trial for her and I to go through. I don't know... I just don't know. I'm not mad at her, just very sad, very disappointed in the situation.

I'm not going to sit around and mope the whole time. That will accomplish nothing but making me more bitter at her about this. And yes, there is bitterness. She had to choose between work and me. She chose work. Can I be mad about that? No. It was for family and an emergency. But it's still a hard pill to swallow.

The strange thing is, before she flies out on Monday, she wants to spend lots of time with me... I, on the other hand, would rather be left alone. In spite of myself, I've found I've retreated away from her, emotionally... most likely out of self-preservation. This, I know, may exacerbate the situation - it makes me look like a cold, unfeeling jerk - but it's the only thing I think I can do right now: hold myself together.

I don't know what this means for her and I... but I don't like the feeling I have about it. I hate long distance things. Even temporary ones. I'd gone out of my way to avoid yet another doomed-to-failure scenario, and yet... here I am, exactly where I hoped to never be again.

Damn.

It's gonna kill when you desert me.