The Unsent Letter

Everyone needs to vent every now and again. often as not, I choose to do it here. So consequentially I try to do it in an entertaining manner. But after this Saturday's final - in which somehow one of my classes "didn't get the memo" for the schedule change, even though I specifically remember devoting about 15 minutes to each class telling them about it - was effectively a nightmare. This was compounded by the fact that I was "assisted" by a certain WZMC nanny, whom for the purposes of this articles will remain named only by the letters "cxx." But let me just say, she's come up repeatedly in this very blog. I leave the associations to you. Regardless, on the bus-ride home I was irate enough to whip out my journal and pen a letter to her. I've learned that in these situations, it's often extremely cathartic to write as though you're going to send it, but then never send it. But since Blogger is on, apparently, the parma-block list here in good old Zhongguo, and she's never heard of it anyway, much less my semi-anonymous blog contained within, I feel pretty safe in giving you the unfiltered edition of: "CXX, My Regards":

~~~~~

"CXX,"
You said today that you felt you needed to be frank. Well, allow me to be frank in return.

First, though this entire year you have never once visited a class of mine, nor taken any interest in the work I do - save when it hasn't superficially "looked" as nice as you might like it. Thinking back, I cannot remember a time where you have pro-actively helped me or assisted me in any meaningful way. For instance, what about those student evaluations I asked you for, during both semesters, and you told me you'd get copies of? What happened to them? Instead, your job consistantly seems to have been to give me only the vaguest notion of what you want, and then criticize, belittle, insult, or otherwise waste my time when it's not exactly the way you want it.

And that I tolerated. The lack of any direction whatsoever, I also tolerated, since more often than not I am convinced I care more about the education of these students than you or the school - which prioritizes their (and your) income and image above the students' educational welfare.

Students - and people in general, in life and in the workplace - behave according to how they are treated. And I am sorry to say that your - and the school's - lack of trust or confidence in the students' ability to or willingness to behave in a mature, adult manner regarding tests, classes, or anything has resulted in exactly what you fear. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy: you treat the students like cheating children, and the consequentially behave like cheating children.

But today's "argument" with me in front of not one, but two classes of students in unacceptable, and embarrassing - not for me, but for you. Had you *any* respect for me either as an employee or as a person, you would have had the decency to wait until everyone had left, or we were somewhere private, before you attempted to chastise what you didn't like - but failed to look into beforehand - about my test. Clearly, however, you do not. I had expected more from a Chinese person. Clearly, though, I expected too much, at least from you.

You said you felt "guilty" about leaving the dissemination of the schedule change to me, and that you should have called them yourself, before attempting to guilt-trip me with the work others will have to do "as a result." The questionable validity of that aside, your thinly-veiled suggestion of my incompetence did not go unnoticed. Please, if you are going to be snide, at least have a backbone enough to say it outright. If I am incompetent, though, then I blame you for it. You, who only ever spoke to me to tell me what I'd done wrong... well after the fact. You who, having absolutely no knowledge whatsoever of my classes, presumed to know better than me time and again. You who greeted my every suggestion as though neither it nor I existed, You, who over and over again failed to provide even the most basic information or supplies that my job would require (including the pointless busywork you have me jumping hoops through), and then forced me to use yet more of my time to "fix it" - when you couldn't even be bothered to tell me in the first place.

I've come to dread any interaction with you. You have no idea how disappointed I was to learn it would be you "helping" me today, since I knew immediately that you would be nothing more but a critical, detrimental drag on my day. To me, you are nothing if not a useless nag: someone whose sole purpose is to point out my faults - not because I have some overabundance of them, but because you remain pointedly, in fact *willfully*, ignorant of anything I may be doing well.

As you've ignored virtually everything else I've said over the course of this year, I certainly wouldn't expect - or want - you to suddenly change your tune now. So please, don't waste both your and my time with yet another of your say-nothing responses. You opinion of me or this letter is as utterly worthless to me as mine have been to you all year.

I conclude by simply saying I am glad beyond words that this year with you is coming to a close, and it should come as no surprise that I've been wanting to leave as soon as possible. My only regret is that it cannot end sooner, and moreso that you are needlessly dragging it out longer.

Good Bye.

~~~~~

I think that basically sums it up. There's still a big part of me wanting to send it... but at this point, I don't see what good it would do, as I might need the school as a reference at some point. Best to remain prudent. Still, it was amazingly gratifying to write it... well worth the time.

'Til Next Time,
(CS)WC Out.

You and me should go outside